Growing Pains

it's a painful process, and it burns like fire. learning and growing, sorting through the muck and mire. i told God he could break me, if only to help me grow. and do i regret ever saying that? no.
it's a painful process, to scrape off this dirt. did i really think it was going to be easy? that it wouldn't hurt? I told God he could make me depressed, if only to help me learn. and do i regret ever saying that? no.
it's a painful process, and it takes so much time. to discover this faith...this relationship...and to make it mine. I asked God to challenge me, push me out of my comfort zone. and do i regret ever saying that? no.
it's a painful process, to learn to surrender and obey. it seems so simple, but im still learning to trust him every day. I told God he could have me, take everything i am. and do i regret ever saying that? again, i answer, no.


For this post I offer little description. I wrote this last night and I decided not to edit it or bother with capitals and punctuation before posting it on here, because this is exactly how I wrote it. It's not perfect, but neither am I. This is what I'm going through right now, it's me suffering from growing pains and venting my emotions.

Falling Apart...

"It's interesting how things tend to fall apart when our focus is not on God."

Awhile back one of my friends said that. It was completely unrelated to what we were talking about and he didn't provide any context. I still don't really know what prompted him to say it. Yet, this one sentence has been on my mind for nearly a month. I've been wrestling with it, mostly because I know it's true. Things can seem to be ok on the surface, but when you get deeper, things are falling apart. I'm going to be blunt right now, for a long time God has not been my focus. I'd say that having fun would have to be what I was focusing on (and this is years I'm talking about, not weeks or months). My relationship with God has suffered, it has become stale, and I hate it. I don't want to be lukewarm, I want to be on fire. I don't want to pretend my faith, I want it to be real. I don't just want God to love me, I want to love Him back. Im really good with the head knowledge and I can keep appearances up really well. And yes, I have had some really good moments and times of my life when I was learning stuff from God and growing in my relationship. But I struggle with consistency. Recently at Ambrose we had Legacy Youth Conference. I learned a lot at that conference. I had a lot of fun, I got to go to all the rallies with my youth group. God really seemed to speak to me at one of the rallies and I broke down in tears. I asked God to break me, and make me grow.


I wrote that blog post way back in february...or maybe march...either way, it was a couple of months ago (it's May 14th as I write the rest of this..). Looking back, it's cool to see the stage I was at when I wrote that. The crazy thing is, just how much God answers prayer. God did in fact break me. It got to the point where I would get depressed for days on end. I would feel an emptiness inside of me, which would only be filled by talking to God. I went through a period of a couple days when I just didn't like God. I think I cried about once a week for 2 months. I came to the point of learning what surrender was and eventually surrendering my life to God. Not that I wasn't a Christian, I just hadn't fully understood surrender and what it really meant. It's hard to explain everything I went through over the course of the semester. I'll probably take a couple of blog posts to explain it. But God answers prayer. He broke me, and I grew like I have never grown before. I love God so much, and surrendering to Him is really an adventure. God is good.

Lessons From 2009

Some of the things I learned this year...
Slap bets are dangerous...proceed with caution :P
When you get dehydrated, do not drink water for 5 MINUTES STRAIGHT!!!!! yeah...it'll make you puke (lyc...fun times!)
Math is possible if you ask for help (and even fun once you understand it)
Being "girly" isn't so bad after all...but I still refuse to wear make-up
Don't teach 8 year old boys how to make paper hornets(ouch...)
Silence/being alone with God is something we all need
I am not perfect and I never will be (nor will anyone else), but God is still working on me
Being different can be a good thing
If you're gonna prank people on the first night of a 2 night retreat be aware that you are gonna either be pranked back or paranoid for the rest of the trip (sooooo worth it though, proximity retreat! w00t!)
Swarley loves twilight...and he's on team jacob
Dancing is actually really fun
Spam tastes disgusting, and it has a funny texture

I may add more later...we'll see, lol.

Different

I am different in so many ways...Why do I have to be so different? Why do I so often feel like an outcast? Like I don't belong, even though other people seem to accept me? Why am I a Pastor's kid AND homeschooled? Not that I really object...but still...Why are my values and opinions often so different than the majority? Why can't I just be like everybody else and go with the flow? Do I want to be like that? Am I willing to change just so I can feel like I fit in with everyone? How much am I willing to change? What parts of me NEED change? What values/opinions should I keep? Is changing certain things a part of growing up? Or is it giving in to peer pressure? Am I happy with who I am? What will it take to become happy with who I am? God, why did you make me so different? God, thank you that I am different, thank you for who you made me to be. Help me to do my best to honour You with who I am and what I do. I love you.