Wasted time...

It's a new school year now and all the Ambrose kids are moving back into residence. It's mixed feelings for me. On the one hand I'm stoked that a bunch of my friends will be back again. On the other hand, it's started to bring back memories of last year. I didn't blog much last year, and by not much I mean not at all. There was a reason for that. I generally only blog when I'm happy, and I like to blog about what God's doing in my life, or even just what I'm learning regardless of whether I'm depressed or not.

Throughout the year I ended up making a lot of mistakes. Even getting in trouble with my school. I failed classes, dropped out of others, wasted my money on whatever I felt like, did things I used to swear I'd never do, tried to fit in and be cool, drifted away from close friends, stopped going to church, stopped praying...you get the picture. I guess some people would call this the rebellious phase. If I really boiled it down, it was the result of me living for myself and not for God.

Over the summer, and even nearing the end of the year I worked through a lot of what I was going through, but I can't seem to shake the feeling that I wasted an entire year of my life. I hate who I became, even though I changed, so in reality I guess I just hate who I was. It's hard to see the girls from my floor in res, it just reminds me of last year and who I was vs. who I appeared to be. One girl even made some offensive comment including a swear word and then said "I only said that because I know that I can around you". What? Is this really part of who I was last year? I almost wish I had said something to her. Instead I once again, in order to look cool to this person who is looked up to, I just let it slide and pretended I still didn't care.

Growing up is hard, and it's not without mistakes. I just wish I had stopped before I had wasted a whole year. And I know it's a perspective thing as well. It's not like I didn't learn anything. It's just that sometime you wish you could go back and do things differently.

I need to be thankful that God was still with me, and in many ways protected me while I was going through that period of my life. I am grateful that He has grace for what I've done and welcomes me back every time I call for Him. I'm unworthy, but He remains faithful. I am thankful for friends that stuck with me through this time, and would still answer their phones at 3 in the morning, let me stay at their houses, and listen to me rant endlessly. God's been watching out for me. I am thankful for the new friends that he gave me right when I needed them. I'm thankful for his provision of my material needs both last year and throughout the summer. God provides, God is faithful, God is just, God is love. God is so much more than that. It amazes me sometimes...well, most of the time. I'll write more later with a couple cool stories from this summer. I guess this was more of a rant post, that turned into a "God is awesome" post. As it should be :)

Goodnight all.