It's a new school year now and all the Ambrose kids are moving back into residence. It's mixed feelings for me. On the one hand I'm stoked that a bunch of my friends will be back again. On the other hand, it's started to bring back memories of last year. I didn't blog much last year, and by not much I mean not at all. There was a reason for that. I generally only blog when I'm happy, and I like to blog about what God's doing in my life, or even just what I'm learning regardless of whether I'm depressed or not.
Throughout the year I ended up making a lot of mistakes. Even getting in trouble with my school. I failed classes, dropped out of others, wasted my money on whatever I felt like, did things I used to swear I'd never do, tried to fit in and be cool, drifted away from close friends, stopped going to church, stopped praying...you get the picture. I guess some people would call this the rebellious phase. If I really boiled it down, it was the result of me living for myself and not for God.
Over the summer, and even nearing the end of the year I worked through a lot of what I was going through, but I can't seem to shake the feeling that I wasted an entire year of my life. I hate who I became, even though I changed, so in reality I guess I just hate who I was. It's hard to see the girls from my floor in res, it just reminds me of last year and who I was vs. who I appeared to be. One girl even made some offensive comment including a swear word and then said "I only said that because I know that I can around you". What? Is this really part of who I was last year? I almost wish I had said something to her. Instead I once again, in order to look cool to this person who is looked up to, I just let it slide and pretended I still didn't care.
Growing up is hard, and it's not without mistakes. I just wish I had stopped before I had wasted a whole year. And I know it's a perspective thing as well. It's not like I didn't learn anything. It's just that sometime you wish you could go back and do things differently.
I need to be thankful that God was still with me, and in many ways protected me while I was going through that period of my life. I am grateful that He has grace for what I've done and welcomes me back every time I call for Him. I'm unworthy, but He remains faithful. I am thankful for friends that stuck with me through this time, and would still answer their phones at 3 in the morning, let me stay at their houses, and listen to me rant endlessly. God's been watching out for me. I am thankful for the new friends that he gave me right when I needed them. I'm thankful for his provision of my material needs both last year and throughout the summer. God provides, God is faithful, God is just, God is love. God is so much more than that. It amazes me sometimes...well, most of the time. I'll write more later with a couple cool stories from this summer. I guess this was more of a rant post, that turned into a "God is awesome" post. As it should be :)
Goodnight all.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
Hello again
Hello blog, I've missed you.
Although clearly I haven't missed my blog that much, as it's been over a year since my last post--but what a year it's been. I can't begin to tell you how much has happened, how much I've done, how much I've screwed up, and how much I've grown and learned in this past year. Even just looking back at my previous post I realize how far I've come from a year ago and how God was already preparing my heart for the things that have happened and the things He's been teaching me. I have many stories I want to write, and over this summer I hope to recount as many as I can. I'm sure I'll also be adding new ones. Even tonight I have a new story to tell, not to mention this week or even this month. But I shall leave you (not that anyone even reads this) til tomorrow, because right now I should really be asleep. But I can't sleep because I'm high...
...on Jesus!
Ha...ha...ha... Yeah, time for bed :P Goodnight world!
Although clearly I haven't missed my blog that much, as it's been over a year since my last post--but what a year it's been. I can't begin to tell you how much has happened, how much I've done, how much I've screwed up, and how much I've grown and learned in this past year. Even just looking back at my previous post I realize how far I've come from a year ago and how God was already preparing my heart for the things that have happened and the things He's been teaching me. I have many stories I want to write, and over this summer I hope to recount as many as I can. I'm sure I'll also be adding new ones. Even tonight I have a new story to tell, not to mention this week or even this month. But I shall leave you (not that anyone even reads this) til tomorrow, because right now I should really be asleep. But I can't sleep because I'm high...
...on Jesus!
Ha...ha...ha... Yeah, time for bed :P Goodnight world!
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Growing Pains
it's a painful process, and it burns like fire. learning and growing, sorting through the muck and mire. i told God he could break me, if only to help me grow. and do i regret ever saying that? no.
it's a painful process, to scrape off this dirt. did i really think it was going to be easy? that it wouldn't hurt? I told God he could make me depressed, if only to help me learn. and do i regret ever saying that? no.
it's a painful process, and it takes so much time. to discover this faith...this relationship...and to make it mine. I asked God to challenge me, push me out of my comfort zone. and do i regret ever saying that? no.
it's a painful process, to learn to surrender and obey. it seems so simple, but im still learning to trust him every day. I told God he could have me, take everything i am. and do i regret ever saying that? again, i answer, no.
For this post I offer little description. I wrote this last night and I decided not to edit it or bother with capitals and punctuation before posting it on here, because this is exactly how I wrote it. It's not perfect, but neither am I. This is what I'm going through right now, it's me suffering from growing pains and venting my emotions.
it's a painful process, to scrape off this dirt. did i really think it was going to be easy? that it wouldn't hurt? I told God he could make me depressed, if only to help me learn. and do i regret ever saying that? no.
it's a painful process, and it takes so much time. to discover this faith...this relationship...and to make it mine. I asked God to challenge me, push me out of my comfort zone. and do i regret ever saying that? no.
it's a painful process, to learn to surrender and obey. it seems so simple, but im still learning to trust him every day. I told God he could have me, take everything i am. and do i regret ever saying that? again, i answer, no.
For this post I offer little description. I wrote this last night and I decided not to edit it or bother with capitals and punctuation before posting it on here, because this is exactly how I wrote it. It's not perfect, but neither am I. This is what I'm going through right now, it's me suffering from growing pains and venting my emotions.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Falling Apart...
"It's interesting how things tend to fall apart when our focus is not on God."
Awhile back one of my friends said that. It was completely unrelated to what we were talking about and he didn't provide any context. I still don't really know what prompted him to say it. Yet, this one sentence has been on my mind for nearly a month. I've been wrestling with it, mostly because I know it's true. Things can seem to be ok on the surface, but when you get deeper, things are falling apart. I'm going to be blunt right now, for a long time God has not been my focus. I'd say that having fun would have to be what I was focusing on (and this is years I'm talking about, not weeks or months). My relationship with God has suffered, it has become stale, and I hate it. I don't want to be lukewarm, I want to be on fire. I don't want to pretend my faith, I want it to be real. I don't just want God to love me, I want to love Him back. Im really good with the head knowledge and I can keep appearances up really well. And yes, I have had some really good moments and times of my life when I was learning stuff from God and growing in my relationship. But I struggle with consistency. Recently at Ambrose we had Legacy Youth Conference. I learned a lot at that conference. I had a lot of fun, I got to go to all the rallies with my youth group. God really seemed to speak to me at one of the rallies and I broke down in tears. I asked God to break me, and make me grow.
I wrote that blog post way back in february...or maybe march...either way, it was a couple of months ago (it's May 14th as I write the rest of this..). Looking back, it's cool to see the stage I was at when I wrote that. The crazy thing is, just how much God answers prayer. God did in fact break me. It got to the point where I would get depressed for days on end. I would feel an emptiness inside of me, which would only be filled by talking to God. I went through a period of a couple days when I just didn't like God. I think I cried about once a week for 2 months. I came to the point of learning what surrender was and eventually surrendering my life to God. Not that I wasn't a Christian, I just hadn't fully understood surrender and what it really meant. It's hard to explain everything I went through over the course of the semester. I'll probably take a couple of blog posts to explain it. But God answers prayer. He broke me, and I grew like I have never grown before. I love God so much, and surrendering to Him is really an adventure. God is good.
Awhile back one of my friends said that. It was completely unrelated to what we were talking about and he didn't provide any context. I still don't really know what prompted him to say it. Yet, this one sentence has been on my mind for nearly a month. I've been wrestling with it, mostly because I know it's true. Things can seem to be ok on the surface, but when you get deeper, things are falling apart. I'm going to be blunt right now, for a long time God has not been my focus. I'd say that having fun would have to be what I was focusing on (and this is years I'm talking about, not weeks or months). My relationship with God has suffered, it has become stale, and I hate it. I don't want to be lukewarm, I want to be on fire. I don't want to pretend my faith, I want it to be real. I don't just want God to love me, I want to love Him back. Im really good with the head knowledge and I can keep appearances up really well. And yes, I have had some really good moments and times of my life when I was learning stuff from God and growing in my relationship. But I struggle with consistency. Recently at Ambrose we had Legacy Youth Conference. I learned a lot at that conference. I had a lot of fun, I got to go to all the rallies with my youth group. God really seemed to speak to me at one of the rallies and I broke down in tears. I asked God to break me, and make me grow.
I wrote that blog post way back in february...or maybe march...either way, it was a couple of months ago (it's May 14th as I write the rest of this..). Looking back, it's cool to see the stage I was at when I wrote that. The crazy thing is, just how much God answers prayer. God did in fact break me. It got to the point where I would get depressed for days on end. I would feel an emptiness inside of me, which would only be filled by talking to God. I went through a period of a couple days when I just didn't like God. I think I cried about once a week for 2 months. I came to the point of learning what surrender was and eventually surrendering my life to God. Not that I wasn't a Christian, I just hadn't fully understood surrender and what it really meant. It's hard to explain everything I went through over the course of the semester. I'll probably take a couple of blog posts to explain it. But God answers prayer. He broke me, and I grew like I have never grown before. I love God so much, and surrendering to Him is really an adventure. God is good.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Fun Times!
I think it's about time for another blog post...
Ok, so as all of you who read my blog should know, I am now at Ambrose University College. And I'm having a blast!
My classes are: effective writing (which most people hate, but i acutally quite enjoy), New Testament, Public Speaking (sooooo much fun), choir (we're touring in March and we get to go to Regina!!!!!!), and guitar ensemble (this class managed to make me start learning everything guitar-related that I have been avoiding in a time span of 1.5 hours...btw, i love this class!!!!). I have very little homework and I have an average of 1 class a day, except for Mondays...but it's all fun classes anyways :P Yes...the academic part of school is pretty much awesome and I'm loving it.
Oh, oh, oh! And I have a new guitar!!!!!!!! I finally own my dream guitar AKA Jade, Swarley's old guitar. w00t! I couldn't be happier =D
Awesomeness/Randomness/Epic-ness:
-living in a three person room with only two people in it (i have a bunk bed all to myself!!!!!!)
-going on an epic 4 hour journey to superstore/petland and getting to hold a corn snake and a baby python! (Sonia got to hold the 5 foot boa!)...and then the bird that almost ate heidi's earing and bit my nose while trying to climb onto my face...lol :P
-watching Avatar!!!!!!!! best movie ever! (i cried...)
-epic snow walks...finding out what i had thought to be the big dipper (for my whole life!) was actually orien...go figure!...the skating rink we found (that was actualy a plastic sign)...the snow fights! yep, they're intense :P
-the tobboganing trip! suicide hill (as i like to call it)...think really really steep hill, followed by two huge snow jumps, followed by a concrete parking lot...i did it and landed mine, most of the others were not so fortunate (but we had no serious injuries, yay!)...we later moved on to another hill and managed to fit 11 people on a wooden toboggan! we also attempted a smaller jump onto a snowy field...but i kept going of the side of the jump (did i mention it was small?) and bailing both times...i had bruises for a week...lol, sooooooo much fun!
-the christmas concert! it was beautiful!
-the story game...sooooooo much fun!
-birthdays! and a whole lot of 'em!
-painting signs for lyc!
-getting nicola (josh's gf) to call him swarley! (w00t!...i'm counting on the fact that he never follows through on his threats :P...haha)
-waling outside in a t-shirt, shorts, and barefoot...while it's snowing! yep...
-nerf sword fights!!!!!!!
-losing my voice...not so cool, it's been gone for 4 days now...how sad is that :P
All in all, Ambrose pretty much rocks. The people out here are amazing and I've made some great friends. I'm also learning a lot (not just academic stuff either). Perhaps I'll write a more serious post after this one...but for now you know what I've been up to out here in Calgary!
Ok, so as all of you who read my blog should know, I am now at Ambrose University College. And I'm having a blast!
My classes are: effective writing (which most people hate, but i acutally quite enjoy), New Testament, Public Speaking (sooooo much fun), choir (we're touring in March and we get to go to Regina!!!!!!), and guitar ensemble (this class managed to make me start learning everything guitar-related that I have been avoiding in a time span of 1.5 hours...btw, i love this class!!!!). I have very little homework and I have an average of 1 class a day, except for Mondays...but it's all fun classes anyways :P Yes...the academic part of school is pretty much awesome and I'm loving it.
Oh, oh, oh! And I have a new guitar!!!!!!!! I finally own my dream guitar AKA Jade, Swarley's old guitar. w00t! I couldn't be happier =D
Awesomeness/Randomness/Epic-ness:
-living in a three person room with only two people in it (i have a bunk bed all to myself!!!!!!)
-going on an epic 4 hour journey to superstore/petland and getting to hold a corn snake and a baby python! (Sonia got to hold the 5 foot boa!)...and then the bird that almost ate heidi's earing and bit my nose while trying to climb onto my face...lol :P
-watching Avatar!!!!!!!! best movie ever! (i cried...)
-epic snow walks...finding out what i had thought to be the big dipper (for my whole life!) was actually orien...go figure!...the skating rink we found (that was actualy a plastic sign)...the snow fights! yep, they're intense :P
-the tobboganing trip! suicide hill (as i like to call it)...think really really steep hill, followed by two huge snow jumps, followed by a concrete parking lot...i did it and landed mine, most of the others were not so fortunate (but we had no serious injuries, yay!)...we later moved on to another hill and managed to fit 11 people on a wooden toboggan! we also attempted a smaller jump onto a snowy field...but i kept going of the side of the jump (did i mention it was small?) and bailing both times...i had bruises for a week...lol, sooooooo much fun!
-the christmas concert! it was beautiful!
-the story game...sooooooo much fun!
-birthdays! and a whole lot of 'em!
-painting signs for lyc!
-getting nicola (josh's gf) to call him swarley! (w00t!...i'm counting on the fact that he never follows through on his threats :P...haha)
-waling outside in a t-shirt, shorts, and barefoot...while it's snowing! yep...
-nerf sword fights!!!!!!!
-losing my voice...not so cool, it's been gone for 4 days now...how sad is that :P
All in all, Ambrose pretty much rocks. The people out here are amazing and I've made some great friends. I'm also learning a lot (not just academic stuff either). Perhaps I'll write a more serious post after this one...but for now you know what I've been up to out here in Calgary!
Friday, January 1, 2010
Lessons From 2009
Some of the things I learned this year...
Slap bets are dangerous...proceed with caution :P
When you get dehydrated, do not drink water for 5 MINUTES STRAIGHT!!!!! yeah...it'll make you puke (lyc...fun times!)
Math is possible if you ask for help (and even fun once you understand it)
Being "girly" isn't so bad after all...but I still refuse to wear make-up
Don't teach 8 year old boys how to make paper hornets(ouch...)
Silence/being alone with God is something we all need
I am not perfect and I never will be (nor will anyone else), but God is still working on me
Being different can be a good thing
If you're gonna prank people on the first night of a 2 night retreat be aware that you are gonna either be pranked back or paranoid for the rest of the trip (sooooo worth it though, proximity retreat! w00t!)
Swarley loves twilight...and he's on team jacob
Dancing is actually really fun
Spam tastes disgusting, and it has a funny texture
I may add more later...we'll see, lol.
Slap bets are dangerous...proceed with caution :P
When you get dehydrated, do not drink water for 5 MINUTES STRAIGHT!!!!! yeah...it'll make you puke (lyc...fun times!)
Math is possible if you ask for help (and even fun once you understand it)
Being "girly" isn't so bad after all...but I still refuse to wear make-up
Don't teach 8 year old boys how to make paper hornets(ouch...)
Silence/being alone with God is something we all need
I am not perfect and I never will be (nor will anyone else), but God is still working on me
Being different can be a good thing
If you're gonna prank people on the first night of a 2 night retreat be aware that you are gonna either be pranked back or paranoid for the rest of the trip (sooooo worth it though, proximity retreat! w00t!)
Swarley loves twilight...and he's on team jacob
Dancing is actually really fun
Spam tastes disgusting, and it has a funny texture
I may add more later...we'll see, lol.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Different
I am different in so many ways...Why do I have to be so different? Why do I so often feel like an outcast? Like I don't belong, even though other people seem to accept me? Why am I a Pastor's kid AND homeschooled? Not that I really object...but still...Why are my values and opinions often so different than the majority? Why can't I just be like everybody else and go with the flow? Do I want to be like that? Am I willing to change just so I can feel like I fit in with everyone? How much am I willing to change? What parts of me NEED change? What values/opinions should I keep? Is changing certain things a part of growing up? Or is it giving in to peer pressure? Am I happy with who I am? What will it take to become happy with who I am? God, why did you make me so different? God, thank you that I am different, thank you for who you made me to be. Help me to do my best to honour You with who I am and what I do. I love you.
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