it's a painful process, and it burns like fire. learning and growing, sorting through the muck and mire. i told God he could break me, if only to help me grow. and do i regret ever saying that? no.
it's a painful process, to scrape off this dirt. did i really think it was going to be easy? that it wouldn't hurt? I told God he could make me depressed, if only to help me learn. and do i regret ever saying that? no.
it's a painful process, and it takes so much time. to discover this faith...this relationship...and to make it mine. I asked God to challenge me, push me out of my comfort zone. and do i regret ever saying that? no.
it's a painful process, to learn to surrender and obey. it seems so simple, but im still learning to trust him every day. I told God he could have me, take everything i am. and do i regret ever saying that? again, i answer, no.
For this post I offer little description. I wrote this last night and I decided not to edit it or bother with capitals and punctuation before posting it on here, because this is exactly how I wrote it. It's not perfect, but neither am I. This is what I'm going through right now, it's me suffering from growing pains and venting my emotions.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Falling Apart...
"It's interesting how things tend to fall apart when our focus is not on God."
Awhile back one of my friends said that. It was completely unrelated to what we were talking about and he didn't provide any context. I still don't really know what prompted him to say it. Yet, this one sentence has been on my mind for nearly a month. I've been wrestling with it, mostly because I know it's true. Things can seem to be ok on the surface, but when you get deeper, things are falling apart. I'm going to be blunt right now, for a long time God has not been my focus. I'd say that having fun would have to be what I was focusing on (and this is years I'm talking about, not weeks or months). My relationship with God has suffered, it has become stale, and I hate it. I don't want to be lukewarm, I want to be on fire. I don't want to pretend my faith, I want it to be real. I don't just want God to love me, I want to love Him back. Im really good with the head knowledge and I can keep appearances up really well. And yes, I have had some really good moments and times of my life when I was learning stuff from God and growing in my relationship. But I struggle with consistency. Recently at Ambrose we had Legacy Youth Conference. I learned a lot at that conference. I had a lot of fun, I got to go to all the rallies with my youth group. God really seemed to speak to me at one of the rallies and I broke down in tears. I asked God to break me, and make me grow.
I wrote that blog post way back in february...or maybe march...either way, it was a couple of months ago (it's May 14th as I write the rest of this..). Looking back, it's cool to see the stage I was at when I wrote that. The crazy thing is, just how much God answers prayer. God did in fact break me. It got to the point where I would get depressed for days on end. I would feel an emptiness inside of me, which would only be filled by talking to God. I went through a period of a couple days when I just didn't like God. I think I cried about once a week for 2 months. I came to the point of learning what surrender was and eventually surrendering my life to God. Not that I wasn't a Christian, I just hadn't fully understood surrender and what it really meant. It's hard to explain everything I went through over the course of the semester. I'll probably take a couple of blog posts to explain it. But God answers prayer. He broke me, and I grew like I have never grown before. I love God so much, and surrendering to Him is really an adventure. God is good.
Awhile back one of my friends said that. It was completely unrelated to what we were talking about and he didn't provide any context. I still don't really know what prompted him to say it. Yet, this one sentence has been on my mind for nearly a month. I've been wrestling with it, mostly because I know it's true. Things can seem to be ok on the surface, but when you get deeper, things are falling apart. I'm going to be blunt right now, for a long time God has not been my focus. I'd say that having fun would have to be what I was focusing on (and this is years I'm talking about, not weeks or months). My relationship with God has suffered, it has become stale, and I hate it. I don't want to be lukewarm, I want to be on fire. I don't want to pretend my faith, I want it to be real. I don't just want God to love me, I want to love Him back. Im really good with the head knowledge and I can keep appearances up really well. And yes, I have had some really good moments and times of my life when I was learning stuff from God and growing in my relationship. But I struggle with consistency. Recently at Ambrose we had Legacy Youth Conference. I learned a lot at that conference. I had a lot of fun, I got to go to all the rallies with my youth group. God really seemed to speak to me at one of the rallies and I broke down in tears. I asked God to break me, and make me grow.
I wrote that blog post way back in february...or maybe march...either way, it was a couple of months ago (it's May 14th as I write the rest of this..). Looking back, it's cool to see the stage I was at when I wrote that. The crazy thing is, just how much God answers prayer. God did in fact break me. It got to the point where I would get depressed for days on end. I would feel an emptiness inside of me, which would only be filled by talking to God. I went through a period of a couple days when I just didn't like God. I think I cried about once a week for 2 months. I came to the point of learning what surrender was and eventually surrendering my life to God. Not that I wasn't a Christian, I just hadn't fully understood surrender and what it really meant. It's hard to explain everything I went through over the course of the semester. I'll probably take a couple of blog posts to explain it. But God answers prayer. He broke me, and I grew like I have never grown before. I love God so much, and surrendering to Him is really an adventure. God is good.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Fun Times!
I think it's about time for another blog post...
Ok, so as all of you who read my blog should know, I am now at Ambrose University College. And I'm having a blast!
My classes are: effective writing (which most people hate, but i acutally quite enjoy), New Testament, Public Speaking (sooooo much fun), choir (we're touring in March and we get to go to Regina!!!!!!), and guitar ensemble (this class managed to make me start learning everything guitar-related that I have been avoiding in a time span of 1.5 hours...btw, i love this class!!!!). I have very little homework and I have an average of 1 class a day, except for Mondays...but it's all fun classes anyways :P Yes...the academic part of school is pretty much awesome and I'm loving it.
Oh, oh, oh! And I have a new guitar!!!!!!!! I finally own my dream guitar AKA Jade, Swarley's old guitar. w00t! I couldn't be happier =D
Awesomeness/Randomness/Epic-ness:
-living in a three person room with only two people in it (i have a bunk bed all to myself!!!!!!)
-going on an epic 4 hour journey to superstore/petland and getting to hold a corn snake and a baby python! (Sonia got to hold the 5 foot boa!)...and then the bird that almost ate heidi's earing and bit my nose while trying to climb onto my face...lol :P
-watching Avatar!!!!!!!! best movie ever! (i cried...)
-epic snow walks...finding out what i had thought to be the big dipper (for my whole life!) was actually orien...go figure!...the skating rink we found (that was actualy a plastic sign)...the snow fights! yep, they're intense :P
-the tobboganing trip! suicide hill (as i like to call it)...think really really steep hill, followed by two huge snow jumps, followed by a concrete parking lot...i did it and landed mine, most of the others were not so fortunate (but we had no serious injuries, yay!)...we later moved on to another hill and managed to fit 11 people on a wooden toboggan! we also attempted a smaller jump onto a snowy field...but i kept going of the side of the jump (did i mention it was small?) and bailing both times...i had bruises for a week...lol, sooooooo much fun!
-the christmas concert! it was beautiful!
-the story game...sooooooo much fun!
-birthdays! and a whole lot of 'em!
-painting signs for lyc!
-getting nicola (josh's gf) to call him swarley! (w00t!...i'm counting on the fact that he never follows through on his threats :P...haha)
-waling outside in a t-shirt, shorts, and barefoot...while it's snowing! yep...
-nerf sword fights!!!!!!!
-losing my voice...not so cool, it's been gone for 4 days now...how sad is that :P
All in all, Ambrose pretty much rocks. The people out here are amazing and I've made some great friends. I'm also learning a lot (not just academic stuff either). Perhaps I'll write a more serious post after this one...but for now you know what I've been up to out here in Calgary!
Ok, so as all of you who read my blog should know, I am now at Ambrose University College. And I'm having a blast!
My classes are: effective writing (which most people hate, but i acutally quite enjoy), New Testament, Public Speaking (sooooo much fun), choir (we're touring in March and we get to go to Regina!!!!!!), and guitar ensemble (this class managed to make me start learning everything guitar-related that I have been avoiding in a time span of 1.5 hours...btw, i love this class!!!!). I have very little homework and I have an average of 1 class a day, except for Mondays...but it's all fun classes anyways :P Yes...the academic part of school is pretty much awesome and I'm loving it.
Oh, oh, oh! And I have a new guitar!!!!!!!! I finally own my dream guitar AKA Jade, Swarley's old guitar. w00t! I couldn't be happier =D
Awesomeness/Randomness/Epic-ness:
-living in a three person room with only two people in it (i have a bunk bed all to myself!!!!!!)
-going on an epic 4 hour journey to superstore/petland and getting to hold a corn snake and a baby python! (Sonia got to hold the 5 foot boa!)...and then the bird that almost ate heidi's earing and bit my nose while trying to climb onto my face...lol :P
-watching Avatar!!!!!!!! best movie ever! (i cried...)
-epic snow walks...finding out what i had thought to be the big dipper (for my whole life!) was actually orien...go figure!...the skating rink we found (that was actualy a plastic sign)...the snow fights! yep, they're intense :P
-the tobboganing trip! suicide hill (as i like to call it)...think really really steep hill, followed by two huge snow jumps, followed by a concrete parking lot...i did it and landed mine, most of the others were not so fortunate (but we had no serious injuries, yay!)...we later moved on to another hill and managed to fit 11 people on a wooden toboggan! we also attempted a smaller jump onto a snowy field...but i kept going of the side of the jump (did i mention it was small?) and bailing both times...i had bruises for a week...lol, sooooooo much fun!
-the christmas concert! it was beautiful!
-the story game...sooooooo much fun!
-birthdays! and a whole lot of 'em!
-painting signs for lyc!
-getting nicola (josh's gf) to call him swarley! (w00t!...i'm counting on the fact that he never follows through on his threats :P...haha)
-waling outside in a t-shirt, shorts, and barefoot...while it's snowing! yep...
-nerf sword fights!!!!!!!
-losing my voice...not so cool, it's been gone for 4 days now...how sad is that :P
All in all, Ambrose pretty much rocks. The people out here are amazing and I've made some great friends. I'm also learning a lot (not just academic stuff either). Perhaps I'll write a more serious post after this one...but for now you know what I've been up to out here in Calgary!
Friday, January 1, 2010
Lessons From 2009
Some of the things I learned this year...
Slap bets are dangerous...proceed with caution :P
When you get dehydrated, do not drink water for 5 MINUTES STRAIGHT!!!!! yeah...it'll make you puke (lyc...fun times!)
Math is possible if you ask for help (and even fun once you understand it)
Being "girly" isn't so bad after all...but I still refuse to wear make-up
Don't teach 8 year old boys how to make paper hornets(ouch...)
Silence/being alone with God is something we all need
I am not perfect and I never will be (nor will anyone else), but God is still working on me
Being different can be a good thing
If you're gonna prank people on the first night of a 2 night retreat be aware that you are gonna either be pranked back or paranoid for the rest of the trip (sooooo worth it though, proximity retreat! w00t!)
Swarley loves twilight...and he's on team jacob
Dancing is actually really fun
Spam tastes disgusting, and it has a funny texture
I may add more later...we'll see, lol.
Slap bets are dangerous...proceed with caution :P
When you get dehydrated, do not drink water for 5 MINUTES STRAIGHT!!!!! yeah...it'll make you puke (lyc...fun times!)
Math is possible if you ask for help (and even fun once you understand it)
Being "girly" isn't so bad after all...but I still refuse to wear make-up
Don't teach 8 year old boys how to make paper hornets(ouch...)
Silence/being alone with God is something we all need
I am not perfect and I never will be (nor will anyone else), but God is still working on me
Being different can be a good thing
If you're gonna prank people on the first night of a 2 night retreat be aware that you are gonna either be pranked back or paranoid for the rest of the trip (sooooo worth it though, proximity retreat! w00t!)
Swarley loves twilight...and he's on team jacob
Dancing is actually really fun
Spam tastes disgusting, and it has a funny texture
I may add more later...we'll see, lol.
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